Intimate Knowledge

Growing up almost no one learnt about sex in a way that was healthy or wholesome. The instruction or information about sex always tended to be biased based on religion, ignorance, experience or perversion. Ultimately most of the sex education came from films, tv, peers, books; and now the internet. Inevitably almost everyone grows up with sexual hang ups and blind spots. There are so many things that children and youth are warned off, some for good reason. However, others are just stuff that some people consider taboo or unpleasant. The end result tends to be that a lot of people grow up approaching sex with differing loaded perceptions and attitudes. This isn’t always good in the future for the person or their prospective partner.

One of those aspects of sex that divides a lot of people is oral sex. It doesn’t help that over time it has developed a bad reputation. It is commonly associated with prostitution, and young lads pressuring girls for sex. There’s also a myth that in school so-called loose girls tend to dispense it rather freely. Given the personal hygiene regimen of most boys I doubt that oral sex would be an choice delight for many young girls. The depiction of oral sex in porn is often very aggressive and displeasingly domineering.

I am one of those people who has never been completely at ease with oral sex. I am willing to do cunnilingus but am not known to proactively volunteer it. It doesn’t always feel like a trip to the rose garden. But am generally not a big eater anyway. I have heard some guys say that it isn’t manly, while others shy away on hygiene grounds. I know of some women who feel it isn’t just ladylike. Some women have actually suggested that it is deviant and too far a line to cross sexually. Oral sex doesn’t have to be everybody’s thing. And if you’re not prepared to be open to it then it might be best to steer clear of it. There is nothing more agonising than bad sex. Chewing and chomping on intimate parts is not cool, no matter the good intentions. There is a reason why Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars is portrayed as a glutton and not a Lothario.

Having a good feel for your partner’s body means knowing your partner’s body intimately. More than just knowing how a body works. This goes beyond just feeling your partner’s body. It means recognising that your partner’s body has its own unique texture, fragrance and vibration. It means you enveloping yourself in your partner’s body in a way that gives you a feel for it that is beyond touch. And when you close your eyes and think of your partner’s body you can see, smell, taste, hear and feel the body even without you being aroused. You’re just that in tune with it. It is hard to imagine a person lying next to a vibrant and dynamic being night after night but really only thinking of themselves. They can see and feel the body but everything it does is just incidental to them. These are the “you didn’t tell me you like that” folk who come to sex with a one track mind.

Sex is supposed to be an intensely intimate and satisfying experience. In order to have a fulsome and fulfilling sexual experience it is necessary to explore all of the body. That is the only way to find out what you like and what your partner appreciates. It is mind boggling that there are men who after decades of a sexual relationship probably would not recognise their partners vagina if it was projected on an IMAX screen. That can’t be right. Oral sex isn’t just about having oral contact but also about having a complete experience of a partners’ private part and sensuality. It develops a knowledge of the organ and sensations and reactions that go along with the interaction with it. It means appreciating your partner’s body and what pleases your partner. That is the true path to actually giving your partner pleasure.

The Value of Valentine’s Day

For many Valentine’s Day is considered a great way to commemorate love. Tell someone you love them. Show someone you love them. A chance to say something and do something romantic. Preferably something big and expensive. Meaningful is optional. A lot of good can be done, and a lot of people get a good feeling out of it. Business certainly makes a lot out of it and makes a good profit on the back of it.

It would be great to imagine that everyone who buys into Valentine’s Day is sincere and full of love rather than driven by cynical self interest like business. Maybe some of them are. As it happens, it can also be an opportunistic assembly line for people trying to impress a beau or cover up their lack of genuine feelings for someone else.

There is an expectation that in order to show how much you care on Valentine’s Day people should spend generously and make big gestures. Clearly Valentine’s Day is the day you check the balance on the love ledger. Whichever party is giving or getting; the important thing is to expect big things. Strangely enough one would have thought that love actually pays for itself everyday, even without grand expensive gestures. Being loved can offer happiness, security and reassurance. Loving someone an be fulfilling, invigorating and joyous. Plenty in there that money can’t substitute for.

Big productions from the heart are as much a delight to the person giving as to the person receiving them. The little things that people do for each other every day also go a long way to holding each other down and making every day special. Being able to reach out to or for that special person when you need to can be the thing that makes a moment special and unforgettable. While something rarely occurring might be considered precious, there are routine deeds that prove invaluable.

A lot of people spend a king’s ransom on Valentine’s Day without giving it any real thought. It’s just something they have to do. And in return many get hardly anything back from it. Not a warm thought, not a little recognition, and too often not even a thank you. For a day that’s meant to commemorate great love it all seems to be about transactions. But I guess it’s down to the individual to choose whether they want a day of big transactions or a lifetime of meaningful and memorable interactions.

Living With

© Yaoyao Ma Van As

Human nature is rooted in relationships and social interaction. Everyone is born to a parent, and that comes with a likelihood of family and relatives. Growing up as a child, and living as an adult place one in social situations, whether by choice or not. A professional life requires the ability to communicate with or to others to some degree. It can be presumed that the more social skills one has the better a life one is likely to live.

Living in a family is often a circumstance one finds oneself in. A person can choose their friends either based on affinity or convenience. Being in a relationship or living with a  spouse or partner is one of the more advanced social interactions. It may not be an essential relationship but it is an extremely important one when it is entered into. The decision to enter into a relationship should signify both an individual’s development of personal depth and serious feelings for a partner. It is an expression of both commitment and sacrifice. A point from which a person makes a choice to consider the needs and wellbeing of another person as equal to their own. In doing so the person makes a promise to include that other person in their life and proactively be a part of that person’s life.

Growing up and becoming independent sometimes means striking out on your own. It might mean living by yourself or sharing paid for accommodation. What it amounts to ultimately is being primarily responsible for yourself alone. In due course, one might enter into a relationship and choose to live fully or partly with a partner. This represents an opportunity to share one’s life and space. It might also be a crutch for someone afraid to be alone. However, there are people who prefer to live on their own, even when in a relationship. This allows them the freedom and space to take time out for themselves. It might also be a symptom of an unwillingness to commit fully to another person. Whatever the rights or wrongs, these are choices we are all entitled to make.

Living on one’s own can be a necessary response to dealing with life and relationship challenges. One has to find a way to make life as manageable as possible. However, living by yourself because you can’t live with another person is not coping: it’s copping out. Learning how to live with another person is an essential part of human socialisation. It isn’t necessarily easy and may not come naturally. But the desire to do it must also be matched by the effort to follow through on it. Living with someone else does mean having to endure and tolerate some of the things that person does. It also means taking responsibility to intervene when there are signs of trouble. Trying to complement each other should mean aiming to bring the best out of each other.

Living with others can be both fulfilling and beneficial to oneself. However, it won’t always be without conflict. The conflict might either help resolve issues or clarify incompatibility. It just depends on how strong a connection people have. Living with another person might be the preferred choice but it isn’t the only option. A person might find themselves living alone and do just fine.

No Loss

When I was young my parents and elders would pacify us with sayings and aphorisms advocating delayed gratification. Gems such as; “not everything you like is good for you”, “you can’t always get what you want” and “your time will come”. As it turned out everything I liked actually did do me some good. I never actually got anything I wanted. And; as for my time coming, I’m still waiting. However, it is a fact that not getting something your heart was set on may be painful but doesn’t always amount to a loss in the greater scheme of things.

In 2016 I could not imagine the prospect of Trump becoming president of the USA. He was clearly a moronic megalomaniac. As it turned out millions of Americans disagreed with me. Proving the points  that you can’t always get what you want, and your time will come in one crushing blow. However, as much as I despised Trump I was very uneasy about the prospect of a Hilary Clinton presidency. Her losing, strangely enough, allowed me to make peace with Trump winning. In the UK I despaired at the thought of Boris Johnson remaining prime minister but couldn’t imagine any good coming of Jeremy Corbyn  being in charge, of anything. I didn’t expect Labour to lose so heavily but I did not shed any tears. In Nigeria, anyone with a memory or capable of reading knew that Buhari lacked vision and strength to turn the the country around but Jonathan Goodluck had facilitated such a corrupt cesspit that Nigerians preferred to jump off a cliff rather than re-elect him. As it turns out the bottom of that cliff is proving quite the rocky hell but good riddance to Goodluck.

At some point, all of us will experience or have experienced heartbreak in a relationship. Whether it is a rite passage or one of life’s necessary evils is of little consequence. Heartbreak comes to all people either by commission or omission. Some relationships go wrong because of a mess up, a refusal or inability to see things clearly, a bad fit; you name it. What is sure is that when it ends one or both parties may feel some measure of heartbreak. Whether it is justified or not the head and the heart will feel some separation anxiety. However there are times when in spite of this anxiety the spirit feels freed. Shattered and broken-hearted the spirit knows when it has taken a mauling even while the head is smiling widely and the heart is yelling c’mon! So even while a person is weeping uncontrollably and hurting like whiplash the spirit is skipping into the sunset sighing, “no loss!”.

For some recreational runners the main focus of running is getting up and setting off. Personal bests and records just aren’t the one thing occupying the mind once you hit the asphalt or track. Some days the run is bad and others it’s better. But that’s ok because you ran and you didn’t give up. Even if you race you don’t have to get put out by your time or placing. You just put your heart into it and knowing you did all you could is all you ask of yourself. As long as you don’t get injured not being devastatingly fast is just no loss.

You can be underwhelming, come up short and end up sub par. You can have your world turned upside down, heart ripped to shreds and be under appreciated. However, you need to know that not everything you lose is a loss.

Birthing Brilliance

Emerging into the world with force
Did you push or did they pull?
Did you neigh like a horse
Or kick like a mule?
There’s a wiggle and a rattle
Thus life’s journey starts
And it’s going to be a battle
Even as the curtain parts.

You’ll stretch with a smile
As you slowly rise.
You’ll imagine the mile
Flashing by your eyes.
The path ahead is straight
And the body is full of potential.
Still there is a trait
Of the strength to enthral

The person you are
Is but a hint of your passage so far,
The person you will be
Is the superhuman fighting to break free.
You will be feared by apex predators
Because you are truly a blessed creature.

Does it all End in Death?

 © Brandon Godfrey

Death is supposed to represent an ending. And in many ways it actually does. It is the end of a life. The severing of all relationships. The conclusion of all plans and ambitions. Sometimes a life ends too soon and that leaves feelings of hurt, disappointment and loss. There are instances where a life has been long and fulfilling and a death evokes a sense of appreciation and gratitude. Sometimes the circumstances of a death might be tragic or regrettable. Those circumstances play a role in the feelings which are brought forth about the death itself.

For the people left behind a death might mean the ending of a relationship or the start of a new understanding in the relationships of others. So even though there is a death it may actually trigger new perspectives on existing relationships. It is possible it might bring people together and strengthen the bonds between them. Or it may drive a wedge between people and create new estrangements.

I have no clear notion of whether a hereafter exists or what it possibly is like. However, if there is no hereafter then maybe death is a final end for the person who passes away. If one believes in the soul or spirit passing on to judgement, a better place, purgatory or reincarnation then it means death is not the end of life. The idea of life after death does raise some questions though. What would happen if one partner in a happy relationship dies, and the other partner goes on to have future happy relationships? If the surviving partner subsequently dies will they reunite with the first dead partner? If other partners also go to the hereafter how do they decide who ends up with who? Will they have to roll the dice or play cards for the honour? Maybe in the hereafter there are no relationships. A real ‘till death do you part’!

Whatever one feels about a death or dying life doesn’t end with death. Death sometimes reveals new things we never knew before about the dead, or the people around us. It can give us a new insight into ourselves or life in general. The dead can inspire us or unite us. Death might bring sorrow, or even relief but what it doesn’t do is end us. From death we can find a fresh purpose, a clearer vision, a new path, a stronger will to live, and a renewed determination to do better.

BREXIT Black & Blue

The current mess that is Brexit has proven clearly that politicians are mostly inclined to pursue their self and partisan interests ahead of the greater good. As a Black citizen of the United Kingdom life after Brexit is threatening to be both frightening and frustrating. The government is full of fools and frauds with very little moral standing. The opposition is full of dogmatic ideologues and short sighted political plodders. Brexit presents a range of social and economic problems for all people on the British isles, however there are likely to be a number of issues specific to Black and Minority Ethnic people. There has been an alarming rise in right wing nationalism and general xenophobia across Europe in recent times. This does not bode well for conditions that await Black people in the new order of things.

Travel around Europe will potentially become increasingly fraught for Black British citizens. Not only will they have to go through tough visa application processes but they are likely to be subjected to further scrutiny at point of entry. It isn’t a certainty that there will be prejudice in the process post Brexit but the current experience of Black non EU migrants and visitors suggests there is scope for discrimination.

Access to support or services while abroad will be variable. Since there won’t be a guarantee of entitlement officials’ prejudices will play a role in how Black people are treated in the event of an emergency or crisis.

An important contribution to quality of life for Black people living abroad is having family, relatives and friends visit them. Similarly being able to travel freely to visit loved ones is important. Maintaining those intimate connections with people living in the EU will become much harder. The likelihood is that

It is traditionally difficult for relatives outside the EU to get visas to visit the UK, and now it is going to be harder for relatives in the UK to get visas too. Ultimately this will affect a range of situations from family interaction to spouses being able to join their partners.

Almost all of Europe is likely to suffer adversely from Brexit but there is the potential that a heightened level of discrimination towards Black people might be one of the unintended consequences. This is something that the EU and UK should put formal processes in place to monitor and tackle as necessary.