Am I ...?

Who is the real person we are?

Is it who we are born as?
Is it our body?
Is it our mind?
Is it our consciousness?
Is it our soul?
Is it the sum total of our experiences?

How much of who we are is who we want to be and not just how we are created, and conditioned to be? Is there a separation between our principles and values, and how they direct out lives? When we adopt certain characteristics and attitudes to try and improve ourselves do they really define us or just become a reflection of how we want the world to see us; or even possibly how we actually want to see ourselves?

Can we truly be aware of who we really are or is it others' perception of us that defines who we are? As human beings at times we do cultivate idealised versions of ourselves and the world around us. More often than not it is this idealised version of ourselves that we spend a lifetime trying to project. This ideal might consist of standards and values we have learnt, perceptions of what is popular or characteristics we have adopted through trial and error. These are what over time become recognised as our personality. However, very often these can turn out to be just the mask that we unconsciously adopt as the face we show the world.

There are people whose personalities develop along a unique trajectory and are determined by socialisation only to a limited extent. Very often these are high functioning or sociopathic individuals. The ability to form and maintain a unique self identity largely free from normative determination  requires great intelligence and will. It is also a fragile construct which can shatter and fracture a person's psyche at the slightest shift in the balance.

What we are is human; flesh and bone that live and eventually die. Who we are on the other hand, is an infinitely more complex notion. Too often we are just what the world wants us to be. Some of us are outsiders trying to plot our own paths in a world demanding consensus. And there are those of us who are in a cocoon just trying to be who we need to be and survive while the world rages around us.

The Limits of Mindfulness

Self empowerment and personal development are essential parts of every person's progression towards a fulfilling existence. Reaching one's full potential requires being self aware and building up one's self esteem. The more a person comes to understand their self the greater the likelihood that they will be able learn and grow in line with their needs and potential.

However, there are many occasions in which doing what's best for you might not necessarily lead to a pleasant prospect for the rest of the world. Take for instance, that person who goes to the park to exercise but doesn't bother to close the enclosure gate. Those people who go to the playing field and park their cars across entrances and ramps, blocking them. Those who take phone calls in public with their phones on speaker mode while talking at the top of their voices. The generous 'manspreaders'. Those who hit all around them with their backpacks. People who spit in public without any consideration for those around them. Sometimes being at peace with oneself can leave one out of step with others.

The doctrine of mindfulness has become so popular it is almost becoming dogma. Mindfulness encourages the individual to take some time out to consider how one's thoughts, and the world around one generating them are not the essence of the actual individual. In taking a step back one is able to move oneself forward positively and holistically into a sounder and more positive path. Focusing on just the moment should allow one to experience that moment without all the usual pressures and anxieties that usually accompany our every waking moment.

Mindfulness' vanguard has presented personal growth as some sort of later life photosynthesis that doesn't need any sun. There is a suggestion that all the elements needed to grow are already right there inside of us. We just need to close ourselves off to all the blockages and obstructions in our way. However, a healthy sense of self needs dynamic biological and environmental settings in which to blossom. People cannot be their best selves outside the context in which they have to express themselves. Sometimes friction is required for an object to achieve its optimal form. One might require positivity to remain motivated but one also needs challenge to sustain drive and direction. There aren't too many situations in which one can just be regardless. That's not too say one shouldn't come up for air occasionally and get some relief from all the pressure. However, there are too many latent sociopaths out there who are acutely aware of their own rights without any commensurate acknowledgement of their responsibilities to others.

All individuals are personally accountable for their lives and what they do with them. Investing in one's wellbeing and development is one of the foremost requirements for living a worthy life. And it is right to take time to consider our own needs and the barriers that we might encounter in meeting those needs. However, it is also a human necessity to connect with people and work out a balance for harmonious interaction. That can happen casually or through very personal relationships. These connections are what truly define our character and how we fit into the wider world around us. Mindfulness does not advocate disregarding these connections but the tendency for them to become collateral damage in the pursuit of personal growth suggests that they might be dispensable. This is a worrying and dangerous trend. 

Psychology of Sex: Teens and Pre-teens

Sex and relationships have been a complicated and complicating feature of human interaction from biblical times through early civilisation into modern days. Relationships have gone from being functional tools for empire building and passing on family legacies to being expressions of personal identity and vehicles for social cohesion. Sex has gone through periods of restriction, subversion, freedom and caution. In present times the Internet has transformed how people pursue both sex and relationships. 

Young people are reaching puberty much earlier in life now. They are also having an increased awareness of and exposure to experiences and issues relating to sex and relationships. There is an increasing rate of marital and relationship break ups which are creating a complexly diverse set of domestic arrangements. There are now more instances of single parent families and family units with more than two parents a part of them. The age of the two parent family is fast receding. 

Young people are being introduced to personal relationships much earlier. This is taking a mental, emotional and physical toll on them. They have access to information about relationships at their disposal with no restrictions or guidance. They are therefore more aware of the issues and also more interested in exploring and testing out the knowledge they have. Many adults have adopted casual attitudes to sex and relationships; while a lot of others have become socially isolated and awkward, increasingly reliant on proxy methods to make connections. They are neither the best role models or particularly admirable trendsetters. 

It would appear that nowadays in the minds of many young people being sexually active is being conflated with sexual and emotional maturity. The reality though seems to be that being down for whatever doesn't quite mean being smart about what one does or it's consequences. Hence the increase in sexually transmitted diseases amongst young people and high levels of teenage pregnancies in some countries. There appears to be a greater need for sex and relationship education in schools and in the home. Current sex and relationship education focuses mostly on biological imperatives and gender awareness. These are important but more attention needs to be paid to self esteem, personal responsibility and life aspirations. These offer an insight into personality traits and conflicts that are likely to influence romantic choices. 

In spite of religious perspectives on chastity and sexuality there is nothing intrinsically wrong with sex between consenting married or unmarried couples. However, having sex cannot be a confirmation of commitment nor is it enough by itself to constitute a lasting relationship. Building a relationship must involve self insight and a sincere shared bond between two people. It requires emotional maturity and at a young age there is a limit to the self awareness and personal insight a person can have. Knowing what to expect and what to believe in a relationship are a function of trial and error; and growth. Being able to take a step back when hormones are raging isn't something the young are renowned for doing. While it is possible for a young person to experience grown up feelings they might not necessarily have the knowledge and experience to understand the various options that might inform decisions that are about to be made. 

It isn't possible to go about ones sex life unnoticed anymore. Whenever one is in a relationship the whole world's eyes are on one. They're all watching and judging. Your parents, family, friends, social media networks, neighbours, school, work colleagues, institutions and even law enforcement are forming impressions based on who you are in a relationship with. It doesn't even have to be a serious relationship. They just need to jump to the conclusion that you're having sex. 

I don't think it is possible to stop teenagers from having sex but there will be opportunities to raise their awareness about the motivations and expectations that they take into sexual relationships. These are the things that will determine how they see relationships in the future. Ultimately self esteem and sexual relationship are intricately intertwined. How we see ourselves and how we are looked at by society can be influenced by the nature of the relationships we have. Achieving healthy relationships is dependent on educating young people about making healthy decisions.