Intimate Knowledge

Growing up almost no one learnt about sex in a way that was healthy or wholesome. The instruction or information about sex always tended to be biased based on religion, ignorance, experience or perversion. Ultimately most of the sex education came from films, tv, peers, books; and now the internet. Inevitably almost everyone grows up with sexual hang ups and blind spots. There are so many things that children and youth are warned off, some for good reason. However, others are just stuff that some people consider taboo or unpleasant. The end result tends to be that a lot of people grow up approaching sex with differing loaded perceptions and attitudes. This isn’t always good in the future for the person or their prospective partner.

One of those aspects of sex that divides a lot of people is oral sex. It doesn’t help that over time it has developed a bad reputation. It is commonly associated with prostitution, and young lads pressuring girls for sex. There’s also a myth that in school so-called loose girls tend to dispense it rather freely. Given the personal hygiene regimen of most boys I doubt that oral sex would be an choice delight for many young girls. The depiction of oral sex in porn is often very aggressive and displeasingly domineering.

I am one of those people who has never been completely at ease with oral sex. I am willing to do cunnilingus but am not known to proactively volunteer it. It doesn’t always feel like a trip to the rose garden. But am generally not a big eater anyway. I have heard some guys say that it isn’t manly, while others shy away on hygiene grounds. I know of some women who feel it isn’t just ladylike. Some women have actually suggested that it is deviant and too far a line to cross sexually. Oral sex doesn’t have to be everybody’s thing. And if you’re not prepared to be open to it then it might be best to steer clear of it. There is nothing more agonising than bad sex. Chewing and chomping on intimate parts is not cool, no matter the good intentions. There is a reason why Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars is portrayed as a glutton and not a Lothario.

Having a good feel for your partner’s body means knowing your partner’s body intimately. More than just knowing how a body works. This goes beyond just feeling your partner’s body. It means recognising that your partner’s body has its own unique texture, fragrance and vibration. It means you enveloping yourself in your partner’s body in a way that gives you a feel for it that is beyond touch. And when you close your eyes and think of your partner’s body you can see, smell, taste, hear and feel the body even without you being aroused. You’re just that in tune with it. It is hard to imagine a person lying next to a vibrant and dynamic being night after night but really only thinking of themselves. They can see and feel the body but everything it does is just incidental to them. These are the “you didn’t tell me you like that” folk who come to sex with a one track mind.

Sex is supposed to be an intensely intimate and satisfying experience. In order to have a fulsome and fulfilling sexual experience it is necessary to explore all of the body. That is the only way to find out what you like and what your partner appreciates. It is mind boggling that there are men who after decades of a sexual relationship probably would not recognise their partners vagina if it was projected on an IMAX screen. That can’t be right. Oral sex isn’t just about having oral contact but also about having a complete experience of a partners’ private part and sensuality. It develops a knowledge of the organ and sensations and reactions that go along with the interaction with it. It means appreciating your partner’s body and what pleases your partner. That is the true path to actually giving your partner pleasure.

Psychology of Sex: Teens and Pre-teens

Sex and relationships have been a complicated and complicating feature of human interaction from biblical times through early civilisation into modern days. Relationships have gone from being functional tools for empire building and passing on family legacies to being expressions of personal identity and vehicles for social cohesion. Sex has gone through periods of restriction, subversion, freedom and caution. In present times the Internet has transformed how people pursue both sex and relationships. 

Young people are reaching puberty much earlier in life now. They are also having an increased awareness of and exposure to experiences and issues relating to sex and relationships. There is an increasing rate of marital and relationship break ups which are creating a complexly diverse set of domestic arrangements. There are now more instances of single parent families and family units with more than two parents a part of them. The age of the two parent family is fast receding. 

Young people are being introduced to personal relationships much earlier. This is taking a mental, emotional and physical toll on them. They have access to information about relationships at their disposal with no restrictions or guidance. They are therefore more aware of the issues and also more interested in exploring and testing out the knowledge they have. Many adults have adopted casual attitudes to sex and relationships; while a lot of others have become socially isolated and awkward, increasingly reliant on proxy methods to make connections. They are neither the best role models or particularly admirable trendsetters. 

It would appear that nowadays in the minds of many young people being sexually active is being conflated with sexual and emotional maturity. The reality though seems to be that being down for whatever doesn't quite mean being smart about what one does or it's consequences. Hence the increase in sexually transmitted diseases amongst young people and high levels of teenage pregnancies in some countries. There appears to be a greater need for sex and relationship education in schools and in the home. Current sex and relationship education focuses mostly on biological imperatives and gender awareness. These are important but more attention needs to be paid to self esteem, personal responsibility and life aspirations. These offer an insight into personality traits and conflicts that are likely to influence romantic choices. 

In spite of religious perspectives on chastity and sexuality there is nothing intrinsically wrong with sex between consenting married or unmarried couples. However, having sex cannot be a confirmation of commitment nor is it enough by itself to constitute a lasting relationship. Building a relationship must involve self insight and a sincere shared bond between two people. It requires emotional maturity and at a young age there is a limit to the self awareness and personal insight a person can have. Knowing what to expect and what to believe in a relationship are a function of trial and error; and growth. Being able to take a step back when hormones are raging isn't something the young are renowned for doing. While it is possible for a young person to experience grown up feelings they might not necessarily have the knowledge and experience to understand the various options that might inform decisions that are about to be made. 

It isn't possible to go about ones sex life unnoticed anymore. Whenever one is in a relationship the whole world's eyes are on one. They're all watching and judging. Your parents, family, friends, social media networks, neighbours, school, work colleagues, institutions and even law enforcement are forming impressions based on who you are in a relationship with. It doesn't even have to be a serious relationship. They just need to jump to the conclusion that you're having sex. 

I don't think it is possible to stop teenagers from having sex but there will be opportunities to raise their awareness about the motivations and expectations that they take into sexual relationships. These are the things that will determine how they see relationships in the future. Ultimately self esteem and sexual relationship are intricately intertwined. How we see ourselves and how we are looked at by society can be influenced by the nature of the relationships we have. Achieving healthy relationships is dependent on educating young people about making healthy decisions.