Living With

© Yaoyao Ma Van As

Human nature is rooted in relationships and social interaction. Everyone is born to a parent, and that comes with a likelihood of family and relatives. Growing up as a child, and living as an adult place one in social situations, whether by choice or not. A professional life requires the ability to communicate with or to others to some degree. It can be presumed that the more social skills one has the better a life one is likely to live.

Living in a family is often a circumstance one finds oneself in. A person can choose their friends either based on affinity or convenience. Being in a relationship or living with a  spouse or partner is one of the more advanced social interactions. It may not be an essential relationship but it is an extremely important one when it is entered into. The decision to enter into a relationship should signify both an individual’s development of personal depth and serious feelings for a partner. It is an expression of both commitment and sacrifice. A point from which a person makes a choice to consider the needs and wellbeing of another person as equal to their own. In doing so the person makes a promise to include that other person in their life and proactively be a part of that person’s life.

Growing up and becoming independent sometimes means striking out on your own. It might mean living by yourself or sharing paid for accommodation. What it amounts to ultimately is being primarily responsible for yourself alone. In due course, one might enter into a relationship and choose to live fully or partly with a partner. This represents an opportunity to share one’s life and space. It might also be a crutch for someone afraid to be alone. However, there are people who prefer to live on their own, even when in a relationship. This allows them the freedom and space to take time out for themselves. It might also be a symptom of an unwillingness to commit fully to another person. Whatever the rights or wrongs, these are choices we are all entitled to make.

Living on one’s own can be a necessary response to dealing with life and relationship challenges. One has to find a way to make life as manageable as possible. However, living by yourself because you can’t live with another person is not coping: it’s copping out. Learning how to live with another person is an essential part of human socialisation. It isn’t necessarily easy and may not come naturally. But the desire to do it must also be matched by the effort to follow through on it. Living with someone else does mean having to endure and tolerate some of the things that person does. It also means taking responsibility to intervene when there are signs of trouble. Trying to complement each other should mean aiming to bring the best out of each other.

Living with others can be both fulfilling and beneficial to oneself. However, it won’t always be without conflict. The conflict might either help resolve issues or clarify incompatibility. It just depends on how strong a connection people have. Living with another person might be the preferred choice but it isn’t the only option. A person might find themselves living alone and do just fine.

The Irresistible Pull of Lying

Lying is one of the fundamental flaws in human nature. It reflects a person’s inability to distinguish between being good and being safe. The root cause of a lie is never primarily dishonesty; it’s essentially a need to protect the individual mentally, emotionally or physically. It is possible that from childhood some people learn to adopt it as a defence to fear and anxiety. It is also possible that some people develop characteristics that compel them to be fluid with the truth.

All of history and religion is founded on a lie of some sort. It’s commonly referred to as myth and legend but it’s really just a set of lies. The various creation stories and the legendary tales of intrigue and derring do serve a purpose but are mostly fantasies. And very often these are the things which become cultural idioms.

Adults routinely lie to children in order to protect them from what might be considered emotionally disturbing truths; or sometimes to spare themselves having to explain things they do not fully comprehend themselves. Sometimes these lies persist and become a pattern in the relationship between adults and young people. The adult might be convinced of the well intentioned nature of the lie but often resorts to untruth to serve their own ends.

Human relationships are mostly bonded by a process of teasing out the truth. After first meeting in person people tend to ask around about their new acquaintances to confirm or check out what they’ve seen or heard. When an initial online connection is made people will trawl social network or internet presence to verify what they think they know. Find out if it’s an actual person, a catfish, a true likeness, an interesting character or some racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, homophobic, sociopathic internet troll.

Politicians now appear to consider lying a professional tool of the trade. Misrepresentations and false denials seem to be something they dispense freely in the event of a crisis. They seem to consider the lie to be a more than adequate recourse until they happen to be found out or caught in the lie. They take it for granted that if caught in a lie then an apology is adequate contrition.

The lie of omission is something a lot of people like to imagine isn’t a lie in real terms. However, it is an act of deceit in which an untruth or lie is left unchallenged. The purpose and the effect of it are often harmful and hurtful to parties involved.

One has to recognise a distinction between lying and imagining. Creating fiction represents an attempt to portray or reflect real life or a life as imagined. Lying seeks to distort and misrepresent reality. While fiction is capable of having a negative influence it doesn’t attempt to pass itself off as fact.

There will always be some question about whether there is any justification for lying, even if it is considered for a greater good. People are naturally inclined to stretch the truth when put under pressure, or sense an advantage from it. The moral imperative is for people to be mostly honest. I think that is the least anyone should expect but it maybe all one can hope for.

Am I ...?

Who is the real person we are?

Is it who we are born as?
Is it our body?
Is it our mind?
Is it our consciousness?
Is it our soul?
Is it the sum total of our experiences?

How much of who we are is who we want to be and not just how we are created, and conditioned to be? Is there a separation between our principles and values, and how they direct out lives? When we adopt certain characteristics and attitudes to try and improve ourselves do they really define us or just become a reflection of how we want the world to see us; or even possibly how we actually want to see ourselves?

Can we truly be aware of who we really are or is it others' perception of us that defines who we are? As human beings at times we do cultivate idealised versions of ourselves and the world around us. More often than not it is this idealised version of ourselves that we spend a lifetime trying to project. This ideal might consist of standards and values we have learnt, perceptions of what is popular or characteristics we have adopted through trial and error. These are what over time become recognised as our personality. However, very often these can turn out to be just the mask that we unconsciously adopt as the face we show the world.

There are people whose personalities develop along a unique trajectory and are determined by socialisation only to a limited extent. Very often these are high functioning or sociopathic individuals. The ability to form and maintain a unique self identity largely free from normative determination  requires great intelligence and will. It is also a fragile construct which can shatter and fracture a person's psyche at the slightest shift in the balance.

What we are is human; flesh and bone that live and eventually die. Who we are on the other hand, is an infinitely more complex notion. Too often we are just what the world wants us to be. Some of us are outsiders trying to plot our own paths in a world demanding consensus. And there are those of us who are in a cocoon just trying to be who we need to be and survive while the world rages around us.

The Limits of Mindfulness

Self empowerment and personal development are essential parts of every person's progression towards a fulfilling existence. Reaching one's full potential requires being self aware and building up one's self esteem. The more a person comes to understand their self the greater the likelihood that they will be able learn and grow in line with their needs and potential.

However, there are many occasions in which doing what's best for you might not necessarily lead to a pleasant prospect for the rest of the world. Take for instance, that person who goes to the park to exercise but doesn't bother to close the enclosure gate. Those people who go to the playing field and park their cars across entrances and ramps, blocking them. Those who take phone calls in public with their phones on speaker mode while talking at the top of their voices. The generous 'manspreaders'. Those who hit all around them with their backpacks. People who spit in public without any consideration for those around them. Sometimes being at peace with oneself can leave one out of step with others.

The doctrine of mindfulness has become so popular it is almost becoming dogma. Mindfulness encourages the individual to take some time out to consider how one's thoughts, and the world around one generating them are not the essence of the actual individual. In taking a step back one is able to move oneself forward positively and holistically into a sounder and more positive path. Focusing on just the moment should allow one to experience that moment without all the usual pressures and anxieties that usually accompany our every waking moment.

Mindfulness' vanguard has presented personal growth as some sort of later life photosynthesis that doesn't need any sun. There is a suggestion that all the elements needed to grow are already right there inside of us. We just need to close ourselves off to all the blockages and obstructions in our way. However, a healthy sense of self needs dynamic biological and environmental settings in which to blossom. People cannot be their best selves outside the context in which they have to express themselves. Sometimes friction is required for an object to achieve its optimal form. One might require positivity to remain motivated but one also needs challenge to sustain drive and direction. There aren't too many situations in which one can just be regardless. That's not too say one shouldn't come up for air occasionally and get some relief from all the pressure. However, there are too many latent sociopaths out there who are acutely aware of their own rights without any commensurate acknowledgement of their responsibilities to others.

All individuals are personally accountable for their lives and what they do with them. Investing in one's wellbeing and development is one of the foremost requirements for living a worthy life. And it is right to take time to consider our own needs and the barriers that we might encounter in meeting those needs. However, it is also a human necessity to connect with people and work out a balance for harmonious interaction. That can happen casually or through very personal relationships. These connections are what truly define our character and how we fit into the wider world around us. Mindfulness does not advocate disregarding these connections but the tendency for them to become collateral damage in the pursuit of personal growth suggests that they might be dispensable. This is a worrying and dangerous trend.