20 F***king 20!

This has been a year to look back on and tremble. Globally, locally and personally it has been a real challenge. I think there have been more difficult years but rarely has a perfect storm eased its way in so unheralded and proceeded to mercilessly devastate all before it. People have faced all kinds of trials, and regrettably some have had to pay the ultimate price. 

This is the year that the rest of the world finally found out how exclusion and isolation feel for Black people. This year the police’s brutal suppression of Black citizens was met with a focused and purposeful wall of Black resistance. This has been the year that Black people finally realised the real strength of street knowledge. Black people came to the realisation that facing up to systemic discrimination cannot be successfully countered just by marches or any means necessary. Black people are now organising to question the workings of the system through political activism and engagement. They are working on changing the narrative on how law enforcement and policing needs to start meeting the demands of future community safety requirements. The year Nigerians decided that being policed by force had to stop. The year we painfully said rest in power to the Black Panther; Chadwick Boseman. My heart is still heavy from the loss of the inimitable Bill Withers, resting comfortably in Grandma's Hands.

This is the year that a global pandemic has sneaked upon us and pretty much brought life as we know it to a standstill. Thanks to a chronic lack of awareness on the part of governments across the world opportunities were missed to contain covid-19 in 2019. The virus marched into 2020 and did what Napoleon and Hitler failed to do; literally conquered the world. This is the year in which the maxim, “better to be lucky than good” was turned on its head. Covid-19 has absolutely no regard for luck and those people who neglected to be good have come a cropper in no uncertain terms. This is the year that the British government went down an extremely wrong headed path of trying to engineer herd immunity in its populace. The UK has subsequently recorded over 80,000 excess deaths. It is the year that the lives of millions of Americans were placed in the hands of Jared Kushner resulting in over 300,000 deaths from covid-19 in America. 

We all would like to believe that we are part of huge human family but this year the pandemic has shown us that when the chips are down people feel very little responsibility for the health and wellbeing of their neighbours or fellow citizens. There have been multiple instances of people profiteering, hoarding essential items and physically fighting to get their hands on what they might have considered to rapidly diminishing desired commodities. When simple safety measures could possibly save lives some people have been protesting against face coverings, lockdowns and social distancing. 

This is the year when the expression “oven ready” had its poorly regarded reputation further sullied by the UK government’s increasingly fraught efforts to get the better of the EU in Brexit trade negotiations. The year when many Brexiteers started to realise that being a union of one can be very paralysing. Achieving Brexit is starting to feel somewhat like climbing to the top of Mount Everest and then having to be stretchered down to the base thanks to summit sickness. So this is the year that the United Kingdom quit the European Union to follow its dream of becoming a 1950s noir lone wolf. 

This is year that democracy was put on red alert. It is no longer the strong rock everyone assumed it to be. Extreme right wing nationalism has stepped onto centre stage and will no longer stay hidden behind conservatism. A case is being made for autocracy and fascism and it is gaining mainstream followers. All of a sudden pushing back against globalism and  multilateralism has become a rallying cry for a virulent wave of populism. Democracy has been shown to be flawed and the democrats are floundering.

With all that has happened this year it is worth pointing out that this year couldn’t stop itself ending. Now whether all the mess ends with this year will be down to everyone all over the world. There is no doubt going to be some tough times ahead but they don’t have to be as fatal as they have been this year. I don't think I have any resolutions for the new year but I do have one resolve; not to worry about the future and just let the future worry about contending with me. 

Tackling Nigeria’s Corruption: A Paradigm Shift

© Vanguard Nigeria 

Nigeria has a culture of probing corruption, especially after a leadership change. Given the endemic nature of fraudulence in the country pledging to investigate fraud and corruption is always well received. One would have thought that given the country’s long history of corruption in all facets of society there would be more focus on actually stopping and preventing corruption. An archaic bureaucracy, embedded nepotism and cronyism, and a laughable law enforcement framework make corruption almost inevitable. The system needs to change and the people need to understand the value and benefit of that change. The change needs to come in the form of a new framework of accountability that will underpin every aspect of Nigerian professional life.

There has been a lot of angst surrounding Nigeria’s predilection for tone deafness and regressive behaviour. The description ‘failing nation’ is probably an understatement of the nature of the country’s catastrophic and continuing decline. The almost total absence of effective and purposeful governing and governance in the country is shameful. However, as momentous as that is Nigeria is not alone globally in enduring trial by poor leadership. This does not excuse the country but it makes it less of a focus for me at this time. I am more concerned about weak political nucleus of the country, and the total lack of an economic, social and developmental plan for the future. No matter who gets into power there is no evidence anywhere of any political aspiration beyond just being able to exploit being in power. 

A first consideration would be to review all public and political officer salary structures. This would include a review of legislators wages and expenses. Salaries should be indexed to cost of living and competency standards. Any benefits should be based on basic housing, transport and subsistence allowances. Anything above that should be claimed for and subject to approval and authorisation by a transparent and audited process.  

All public sector commissioning and contracting should be subject to a new standards and accountability framework. There should be fit person and fit organisation standards that ensure that all prospective providers are evaluated for probity and capacity. There should be a two year audit cycle for contracts that ensures that they are performing at the required level and on target to deliver contracted outcomes. 

The oil, finance, telecommunications and private education sectors should be subject to a special interim taxation or levy to raise funds to finance a new programme of public investment in health, education, transportation and agriculture. Public consultation should be undertaken to identify and agree the areas for investment. A public commission should be appointed to administer the process and its operation should be open and report publicly quarterly. All its records should be publicly available for information and scrutiny. 

Instead of continually probing corruption Nigeria needs to reduce the opportunities within the system to defraud public finances; and increase the potential for most citizens to earn a living wage and enjoy a better quality of life. Looking for corruption in a corrupt system is just folly. Just probing corruption and punishing the guilty does nothing to address the causes of corruption. Also, it doesn’t highlight any real lessons to be learnt. The culture and systems that foster corruption need to change. Improving living conditions across the country, and reforming public management systems would be significant steps in the right direction. 

Time to Deconstruct Policing in Nigeria

© The Star

Law enforcement brutality in Nigeria has a long history predating independence. Britain used armed forces to violently quell any local resistance to the imposition of colonial rule. And during colonial rule local police forces were extremely repressive in dealing with uncooperative and non compliant disenfranchised citizens. Tragically, since independence the country has failed to redress the oppressive history of law enforcement that it had inherited. Years of military rule and unrestrained armed robbery have entrenched a culture of repression and brutality in law enforcement. 

The Nigerian Police Force has a well earned reputation for being undertrained, underpaid and under managed. The force is notorious for corruption, extortion and extra judicial killings. It has absolutely no capability for maintaining law and order, or detecting crime. Its sole function has been to selectively respond to already committed crimes or crimes in progress. The only protection the police force offers is to government officials, banks and the wealthy. 

The atrocities committed by the Special Anti-Robbery Squad (SARS) are a reflection of the corrupted state of Nigerian law enforcement; and disdain for the lives and wellbeing of ordinary citizens that successive governments have demonstrated. Nigerians are suffering brutality and murder at the hands of police officers, soldiers, secret service agents, prison officials and road marshals. There is absolutely nowhere that they can turn to seek redress or reprieve. The governments feeble attempt to rebrand SARS as a new Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) Team shows how disinterested and out of touch it is.

Seismic changes are needed in law enforcement in Nigeria in order to reform the police. The emphasis has to be taken away from guarding the elite to tackling crime in a strategic and comprehensive manner. Critical to that will be disarming the rank and file police officers. Police officers should be trained in community policing and protecting the Nigerian populace. They need to learn how to carry out their duties unarmed and in a sensitive manner. This is what will give them the authority to effectively police the streets. Armed squads should be used in response to identified threats of armed attacks by criminals. Retraining in detecting crime will go some way to taking guns off, and improving safety on the streets. 

There is no possibility of reforming the Nigeria Police Force without completely reorganising, or possibly removing the entire senior officer corps currently at the helm. Every senior officer should be evaluated and assessed for honesty, competence and commitment. All those who fail the evaluation should be forced to resign or face being dismissed. All existing members of the police force should undergo a programme of development and retraining. The police force should be subject to new a governance framework with an independent board responsible for regulation and executive management at the helm. 

Of course, none of this would be possible unless there is a ruling government committed to anti-corruption, equity, transparency and reform. But then I guess it would also help to not have a prison system that is decrepit and inhumane, a judiciary that is full of negligent sellouts, a legislature populated by corrupt parasites; and political parties run by self serving immoral shysters. This government’s inept handling of the ‘End SARS’ protests shows that it is neither committed to nor capable of looking out for the welfare of the people or country of Nigeria.  

One Small Step for Equality, No Giant Leap for Black People

©Disney

The battle to overturn systemic racism and end police brutality is going to be the fight of all our lives. Just having the world wake up to the real issue of racist oppression and the havoc it has, and is wreaking on Black people is a major win. However, it is not the only battleground we have to show up at, and fight hard to make  gains on. Whatever gains we make in overthrowing the oppressive system cannot be consolidated unless we Black people actually uplift and enlighten ourselves. If we don’t become better as individuals, and a people then it will all be for nothing.

How many Black people have felt stigmatised in their communities for focusing on their education, careers or health? It is typical for Black people dismiss other Black people as squares or wannabes for wanting to get an education. Building a career and getting a regular office job is often considered selling out. Adopting a healthy lifestyle for anything other than aesthetics is seen as just an incomprehensibly lame thing to do.

During this covid-19 pandemic Black people have not always shown the best judgement or awareness of personal or public safety. And this is despite the fact that we have been one of the groups most vulnerable to infection and serious illness. Too often Black people have been some of the first to show up at illegal raves, and some of the last to socially distance or wear a face covering. We need to understand the difference between being a smartass and actually being smart. The reckless behaviour has not been atypical of the behaviour of a lot of Britons; who have preferred to wear their masks on their chins, off their noses, on their necks, over an eye, on their belts, and in their hands. But Black people cant afford to just follow the prevailing wind. They need to know when to be better. 

We need more people in families and the local communities to be role models to the rest of our people. It is fine to admire celebrities and the wealthy but their lives do not reflect the reality most of us have to contend with. We need people to set the right examples in getting the most from education, how to work hard, being responsible, and giving back to the community. People can lose their way or fall foul of the law and become rehabilitated. We want to be able to laud them for their resilience and redemption rather than hold them in thrall as outlaws or rebels. We can’t afford to give up on ourselves. 

Good parenting needs to be restored to it’s rightful place; front and centre of the Black community. Whatever the make up of the family, the upbringing of children must be given the priority it needs. That isn’t to say that it will be easy or without considerable challenges but it is central to how we as Black people make a better future for ourselves. In order to be better parents and role models to young people Black people need to reflect on what their values are; and how they deal with the personal and social challenges facing them. If people cannot show resilience and fortitude then it is unlikely they will inspire the youth to walk a path of integrity and selfless service. 

The hope we have is that we as a people enlighten ourselves and find the strength to stand tall in the face of inequality and oppression. In making better choices we can encourage the youth to become aspirational and personally fulfilled. The danger we face isn’t missing our way but in never having a better path to follow. 

Troublingly Different

We can be of different gender, race, sexuality, ethnicity, faith, ideology, ability and yet still find things to unite us. We all want love, safety, security, health, shelter, and the best for those we care about. We have no right to deprive anyone of any of these things; and no one should feel entitled to deprive us of it. Unfortunately, individual mindsets and society itself are being conditioned to believe inequality is the just dessert of the underclass.

There are so many contradictions in modern day American society; and too few Americans are doing enough to confront them. America wants to be strong but it can’t abide the idea of free or universal healthcare. America wants to be wealthy but it continues to sow the seeds of disunity and conflict across its communities. America wants to be safe but it holds fast to the idea that unfettered access to guns is at the heart of being American.

Law enforcement in America claims that its many killings and shootings of Black people is in response to the threat they pose, and are perceived to pose to law enforcement officers. However, the one thing that would drastically reduce that threat would be gun control. There is no doubt that a reduction of personal gun ownership would significantly reduce the cases of law enforcement officers being confronted by armed assailants. Unfortunately, history has shown that this would probably not equivalently result in a reduction of police brutality on Black people. The incidence of unarmed Black people being violently confronted or killed by the police speaks for itself.

Since after World War 2 when people from Africa and the Caribbean were ushered into Britain to help with the rebuilding of the shattered nation; they have been confronted with being told to go back to where they came from. This is still a common occurrence across the United Kingdom. There is a core of British people who just hate the presence of foreigners. They just won’t ever be British enough for them. There is another section of society that sees diversity as a threat. They continue to stereotype people of colour even when the objects of their vitriol were born in the UK and are actually British citizens.

Prejudice and discrimination are learned traits. As much as individuals and groups are the perpetrators of the rough and harsh justice being dealt out to minorities; it is society and its institutions that have normalised and reinforced the oppression that minorities have had to endure and live with. There has to be some recognition that there will be no real change in people until social institutions themselves are reconditioned. Any calls to defund the police, reform education, restructure healthcare, refocus the justice system, or address institutional racism are not about shutting down the institutions. Rather it’s about redirecting policy and retraining organisations to better meet the needs of a changing society. Improvements are needed and it will take a lot of work to make them happen. However, everyone will need to trouble themselves to make the difference that is needed for things to get better for all people. I believe this is what the late John Lewis, the American civil rights pioneer called; making “good trouble”.

Masking the Distance

© Mizo Ozim 

What’s left after corona?
How do we move on from the aroma?
Do we go big?
Do we go small?
Do we use just a sprig,
Or the whole damn stall?

These new norms we’ve learned
Will they fix the bridges we’ve burned?
Will there be life after corona
Or is life as we know it truly over?
How far do we have to travel
Before things completely unravel?

Has covid-19 taken more than it has given?
Has it left left us with more than just a burden?
Is there a way for us to recover?
Or are we just going to keep tottering till we fall over?

I can’t go out.
I can’t breathe in.
I need to shout
But can’t say why I’m grieving.

Time to Push Back

Prejudice and discrimination are pernicious. It doesn’t matter who is doing it, or where it’s happening. Whether it’s the UK, USA, Rwanda, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Israel, China, Brazil, Australia or Canada. The damage that centuries of oppression has done to people of colour is generational. What that means is that when things come to a boil a bloody battle is bound to ensue. The establishment is going to fight to maintain the status quo and Black people will need to fight back just as hard for change. The likelihood of these clashes causing chaos and becoming violent is high. Nobody is trying to tear down their own neighbourhoods but change is a unstoppable force and prejudice and privilege want to be an immovable object. And therefore a cataclysmic reaction must result.

The fact that there has been violence at protests has not subverted or distracted from the mission to tackle and push back on systemic racism and brutality by the establishment. There is a clear imperative to highlight oppression and discrimination while calling for action to end it and mitigate its impact. As much as people need to be safe during protest the time to be passive is past.

These protests are not about taking over. They are about taking a seat at the table. A seat that has long been denied us. Too many people who have been let in have failed to represent the interests of minorities robustly. People have compromised and conceded ground to institutional discrimination. Being a minority means that democratic processes too often fail to provide a platform to combat discrimination and inequality.

We are not safe in our homes. We are not safe on the streets. We are not safe at work. We are no longer prepared to silently object while we are being viciously and systematically oppressed and brutalised.

There are inequalities for us to rise up against and fight to overcome. We want justice but we also have needs.

• We want law enforcement to ban all procedures that allow the use of violence against unarmed and unresisting Black peoples.
• We want all deaths in police custody or by police actions to be be reported and investigated independently. 
• We want to be able to live and work in any community without being stigmatised and harassed. 
• We want the ability to bring diversity into a workplace to be recognised as a special skill and competence. 
• We want public and corporate policies to be subject to equality impact assessments. 
• We want disadvantaged minorities to have access to state funded education and primary healthcare. That is why we vote. If other people don’t want it then that’s their problem. 
• We want the establishment and organisations to stop agreeing that Black Lives Matter, and start proving it. 

We don’t want to have to run or hide. We just want to live and thrive. 

The Covid-19 Afterlife

Social distancing, lockdown, vaccination, ‘r’ number, shielding, NHS heroes are all words which we may not have been consciously aware of before. However, the new normal appears to be a life of better respect for personal space, improved personal hygiene, hoarding food and cleaning supplies, and a pathological fear of viral infections. After 9/11 things mostly changed for travelers despite the severity of the tragedy for those affected by the terrorist attack. However, it is a certainty that the aftermath of the covid-19 pandemic will affect all people all over the world.

I’m getting used to a world where I do not shake hands or arbitrarily hug anymore. This is quite a challenging adjustment. For a Black man, and in particular a Black African man shaking hands is an innate bonding experience. In fact, to not do so is generally seen as a form of aggression. It does seem that meeting with strangers will involve quite a bit of awkwardness while trying to decide how to navigate social greeting. Some people though have reverted to shaking hands and embracing in public routinely even while the risk of infection still exists.

Hopefully the strategic and operational approach to homelessness should change. It is possible to fund short stay shelters and even temporary accommodation for the homeless. However what must not be overlooked is the critical role that support and care will lend to managing homelessness. The need for emotional and mental health support for the homeless and people sleeping rough should not be overlooked. Housing is just one aspect of the problem. The difficulties they face in adjusting back into organised society and reacquiring life skills are daunting. However, indications are that things will return to the normal state of affairs when it comes to consideration of the homeless.

It would appear that working from home is going to become more prevalent now. It might even evolve into becoming the norm. With office space becoming difficult to keep decontaminated a lot of organisations might just start asking groups of workers to work from home as part of the terms and conditions of employment. It is very likely that hotdesking will be ruled out altogether. While working from home is a good way to offer flexibility to workers it can also mean that some workers can be pressured into taking on even heavier workloads. Without supervision, or as a result of personal pressure individuals might find themselves taking on too much work over too many hours.

It doesn’t seem like social distancing will hold out for very long on public mass transit. People are likely to pack themselves into whatever mode of transport they need to get where they’re going. However, it is quite likely that long distance air travel might present people with some concerns. Airports and airlines will have to introduce a raft of precautionary measures but who knows if these will be enough to guarantee safety or offer reassurance. It is very likely that the nature of personal service might change somewhat.

Social distancing will certainly challenge the retail shopping business model. The idea of cramming as many people as possible into an available space will need to be set aside for a while. Some enterprises might be able to get by with controlling traffic but others just won’t be able to survive on having so few people able to enter at any point in time.

Certain sporting activities will need to carefully consider what it will take for them to safely be resumed. Public participation events like runs may have to be limited to elite competitors for the foreseeable future. It is likely to require all participants to be tested for covid-19 and then quarantined before the day the event. I don’t see organisers being willing to shoulder this burden to ensure mass participation.

It does seem that the pandemic is unlikely to have too much of an effect on people’s love lives from what we have seen during the lockdown. The cavalier way in which some people have flouted lockdown guidelines to get their rocks off suggest that viral infection holds no peril for them. If you throw alcohol into the mix then quite a few are not going to know whether they are coming or going; nevermind what distance they are at.

Certainly covid-19 will leave us with a culture of improved hand hygiene. This is long overdue if you ask me. I know for me, I have reacquainted myself with breathing with my mouth closed. Not sure how or when I got away from that in the first place. Different countries are going to get the epidemic under control at different rates so it might be necessary to keep taking precautions quite some time into the future.

The Corona of Our Souls

© Luke Viatour

It is interesting that in an era of globalisation where the world is meant to be wealthier and healthier the covid-19 virus has now left us closed off and isolated. An aunt of mine was telling me how she didn’t think that people who had never been to China should have to deal with the virus. I had to point out to her that even if she had never been to China; in reality China had definitely been to her. Her clothes, shoes, appliances were all most likely manufactured in China. The cost of seeking cheaper costs of production and bigger markets is that we need to do more to jointly manage risks and provide protection for all parts of the world.

We live in a country, and maybe world; where people are more responsive to being cared for than responsible for being caring. People freely go about with very little sense of duty towards one another but expect the ultimate sacrifice if they find themselves in jeopardy. Sometimes in times of crises you suddenly see the masses of people pulling apart rather than together. In the UK this has been demonstrated by panic buying and stockpiling of essential goods by some people.

The UK government hatched a cunning plan to cull the population through herd immunity. This has resulted in some people being refused treatment and ending up dying at home. In the US Congress, the Democrats had to battle it out with the Republicans to ensure that low income families got a reasonable stake of the trillion dollar stimulus package targeted at corporate America. Meanwhile, in the US state of Nevada they drew chalk outlines in a open air car park so the homeless people they intended to house their could be socially distanced. Somewhere else in America some politicians were attempting to stage a sneak attack on abortion rights by declaring abortions a non essential service. The president of Brazil went on Twitter to try and discredit efforts being made to curtail the spread of the disease. In India government workers ended up spraying migrant workers trying to get home with disinfectant meant for vehicles.

The actions of the human race continue to damage and threaten the future existence of life as we know it. The urge to kill and eat rare species of animal contributed to the Coronavirus pandemic that is wreaking havoc globally. The environment is badly damaged, and continuously under threat from pollution and poisoning stemming from humanity’s actions. Animals are being hunted for game and forced into extinction. Today we are being ravaged by covid-19 but twenty years ago it was ‘mad cow disease’ caused by questionable agricultural practices that was causing a healthcare and economic catastrophe.

Government neglect of the homeless has been brought into stark relief during this pandemic. However, the Coronavirus is just one of a myriad of afflictions that homeless people are at risk of. The fact that provision is being made for the homeless in order to combat the spread of covid-19 is an indication that it is financing that is deterring public services from providing effective support to the homeless to get them off the streets and the care they desperately need. There is a need to recognise that there needs to be a mandatory duty on central and local government to provide shelter and emotional care for the homeless. If a person with no fixed abode was found lying in the street with a broken leg they would be admitted into hospital and treated until they were healed. When homeless people, who often have mental health concerns, are found sleeping rough very little regard is given to providing treatment and accommodation for them until they are better. The homeless person has to literally navigate an over complicated bureaucracy just to get listened to.

The need for free access to primary healthcare is being demonstrated everyday. It isn’t possible to have a healthy and safe population if an individual’s means determines their ability to receive basic healthcare provision. Having a healthcare system that is responsive to the needs of the entire population is vital for public health.

The pandemic has forced some us to look inward and really take stock of who we are; and what should be important to us. For some, it has brought out something dark and disturbing in them that they have probably been trying all their lives to conceal. From panic buying and hoarding, to people having house parties and barbecues during lockdown there has been some mind boggling misbehaviour on display. It is understandable that people are scared and fearful for what might happen to them and what the future might hold. However, right now it is only by caring about the wellbeing of those around us that we can ensure our own wellbeing.

Intimate Knowledge

Growing up almost no one learnt about sex in a way that was healthy or wholesome. The instruction or information about sex always tended to be biased based on religion, ignorance, experience or perversion. Ultimately most of the sex education came from films, tv, peers, books; and now the internet. Inevitably almost everyone grows up with sexual hang ups and blind spots. There are so many things that children and youth are warned off, some for good reason. However, others are just stuff that some people consider taboo or unpleasant. The end result tends to be that a lot of people grow up approaching sex with differing loaded perceptions and attitudes. This isn’t always good in the future for the person or their prospective partner.

One of those aspects of sex that divides a lot of people is oral sex. It doesn’t help that over time it has developed a bad reputation. It is commonly associated with prostitution, and young lads pressuring girls for sex. There’s also a myth that in school so-called loose girls tend to dispense it rather freely. Given the personal hygiene regimen of most boys I doubt that oral sex would be an choice delight for many young girls. The depiction of oral sex in porn is often very aggressive and displeasingly domineering.

I am one of those people who has never been completely at ease with oral sex. I am willing to do cunnilingus but am not known to proactively volunteer it. It doesn’t always feel like a trip to the rose garden. But am generally not a big eater anyway. I have heard some guys say that it isn’t manly, while others shy away on hygiene grounds. I know of some women who feel it isn’t just ladylike. Some women have actually suggested that it is deviant and too far a line to cross sexually. Oral sex doesn’t have to be everybody’s thing. And if you’re not prepared to be open to it then it might be best to steer clear of it. There is nothing more agonising than bad sex. Chewing and chomping on intimate parts is not cool, no matter the good intentions. There is a reason why Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars is portrayed as a glutton and not a Lothario.

Having a good feel for your partner’s body means knowing your partner’s body intimately. More than just knowing how a body works. This goes beyond just feeling your partner’s body. It means recognising that your partner’s body has its own unique texture, fragrance and vibration. It means you enveloping yourself in your partner’s body in a way that gives you a feel for it that is beyond touch. And when you close your eyes and think of your partner’s body you can see, smell, taste, hear and feel the body even without you being aroused. You’re just that in tune with it. It is hard to imagine a person lying next to a vibrant and dynamic being night after night but really only thinking of themselves. They can see and feel the body but everything it does is just incidental to them. These are the “you didn’t tell me you like that” folk who come to sex with a one track mind.

Sex is supposed to be an intensely intimate and satisfying experience. In order to have a fulsome and fulfilling sexual experience it is necessary to explore all of the body. That is the only way to find out what you like and what your partner appreciates. It is mind boggling that there are men who after decades of a sexual relationship probably would not recognise their partners vagina if it was projected on an IMAX screen. That can’t be right. Oral sex isn’t just about having oral contact but also about having a complete experience of a partners’ private part and sensuality. It develops a knowledge of the organ and sensations and reactions that go along with the interaction with it. It means appreciating your partner’s body and what pleases your partner. That is the true path to actually giving your partner pleasure.

The Value of Valentine’s Day

For many Valentine’s Day is considered a great way to commemorate love. Tell someone you love them. Show someone you love them. A chance to say something and do something romantic. Preferably something big and expensive. Meaningful is optional. A lot of good can be done, and a lot of people get a good feeling out of it. Business certainly makes a lot out of it and makes a good profit on the back of it.

It would be great to imagine that everyone who buys into Valentine’s Day is sincere and full of love rather than driven by cynical self interest like business. Maybe some of them are. As it happens, it can also be an opportunistic assembly line for people trying to impress a beau or cover up their lack of genuine feelings for someone else.

There is an expectation that in order to show how much you care on Valentine’s Day people should spend generously and make big gestures. Clearly Valentine’s Day is the day you check the balance on the love ledger. Whichever party is giving or getting; the important thing is to expect big things. Strangely enough one would have thought that love actually pays for itself everyday, even without grand expensive gestures. Being loved can offer happiness, security and reassurance. Loving someone an be fulfilling, invigorating and joyous. Plenty in there that money can’t substitute for.

Big productions from the heart are as much a delight to the person giving as to the person receiving them. The little things that people do for each other every day also go a long way to holding each other down and making every day special. Being able to reach out to or for that special person when you need to can be the thing that makes a moment special and unforgettable. While something rarely occurring might be considered precious, there are routine deeds that prove invaluable.

A lot of people spend a king’s ransom on Valentine’s Day without giving it any real thought. It’s just something they have to do. And in return many get hardly anything back from it. Not a warm thought, not a little recognition, and too often not even a thank you. For a day that’s meant to commemorate great love it all seems to be about transactions. But I guess it’s down to the individual to choose whether they want a day of big transactions or a lifetime of meaningful and memorable interactions.

Living With

© Yaoyao Ma Van As

Human nature is rooted in relationships and social interaction. Everyone is born to a parent, and that comes with a likelihood of family and relatives. Growing up as a child, and living as an adult place one in social situations, whether by choice or not. A professional life requires the ability to communicate with or to others to some degree. It can be presumed that the more social skills one has the better a life one is likely to live.

Living in a family is often a circumstance one finds oneself in. A person can choose their friends either based on affinity or convenience. Being in a relationship or living with a  spouse or partner is one of the more advanced social interactions. It may not be an essential relationship but it is an extremely important one when it is entered into. The decision to enter into a relationship should signify both an individual’s development of personal depth and serious feelings for a partner. It is an expression of both commitment and sacrifice. A point from which a person makes a choice to consider the needs and wellbeing of another person as equal to their own. In doing so the person makes a promise to include that other person in their life and proactively be a part of that person’s life.

Growing up and becoming independent sometimes means striking out on your own. It might mean living by yourself or sharing paid for accommodation. What it amounts to ultimately is being primarily responsible for yourself alone. In due course, one might enter into a relationship and choose to live fully or partly with a partner. This represents an opportunity to share one’s life and space. It might also be a crutch for someone afraid to be alone. However, there are people who prefer to live on their own, even when in a relationship. This allows them the freedom and space to take time out for themselves. It might also be a symptom of an unwillingness to commit fully to another person. Whatever the rights or wrongs, these are choices we are all entitled to make.

Living on one’s own can be a necessary response to dealing with life and relationship challenges. One has to find a way to make life as manageable as possible. However, living by yourself because you can’t live with another person is not coping: it’s copping out. Learning how to live with another person is an essential part of human socialisation. It isn’t necessarily easy and may not come naturally. But the desire to do it must also be matched by the effort to follow through on it. Living with someone else does mean having to endure and tolerate some of the things that person does. It also means taking responsibility to intervene when there are signs of trouble. Trying to complement each other should mean aiming to bring the best out of each other.

Living with others can be both fulfilling and beneficial to oneself. However, it won’t always be without conflict. The conflict might either help resolve issues or clarify incompatibility. It just depends on how strong a connection people have. Living with another person might be the preferred choice but it isn’t the only option. A person might find themselves living alone and do just fine.

No Loss

When I was young my parents and elders would pacify us with sayings and aphorisms advocating delayed gratification. Gems such as; “not everything you like is good for you”, “you can’t always get what you want” and “your time will come”. As it turned out everything I liked actually did do me some good. I never actually got anything I wanted. And; as for my time coming, I’m still waiting. However, it is a fact that not getting something your heart was set on may be painful but doesn’t always amount to a loss in the greater scheme of things.

In 2016 I could not imagine the prospect of Trump becoming president of the USA. He was clearly a moronic megalomaniac. As it turned out millions of Americans disagreed with me. Proving the points  that you can’t always get what you want, and your time will come in one crushing blow. However, as much as I despised Trump I was very uneasy about the prospect of a Hilary Clinton presidency. Her losing, strangely enough, allowed me to make peace with Trump winning. In the UK I despaired at the thought of Boris Johnson remaining prime minister but couldn’t imagine any good coming of Jeremy Corbyn  being in charge, of anything. I didn’t expect Labour to lose so heavily but I did not shed any tears. In Nigeria, anyone with a memory or capable of reading knew that Buhari lacked vision and strength to turn the the country around but Jonathan Goodluck had facilitated such a corrupt cesspit that Nigerians preferred to jump off a cliff rather than re-elect him. As it turns out the bottom of that cliff is proving quite the rocky hell but good riddance to Goodluck.

At some point, all of us will experience or have experienced heartbreak in a relationship. Whether it is a rite passage or one of life’s necessary evils is of little consequence. Heartbreak comes to all people either by commission or omission. Some relationships go wrong because of a mess up, a refusal or inability to see things clearly, a bad fit; you name it. What is sure is that when it ends one or both parties may feel some measure of heartbreak. Whether it is justified or not the head and the heart will feel some separation anxiety. However there are times when in spite of this anxiety the spirit feels freed. Shattered and broken-hearted the spirit knows when it has taken a mauling even while the head is smiling widely and the heart is yelling c’mon! So even while a person is weeping uncontrollably and hurting like whiplash the spirit is skipping into the sunset sighing, “no loss!”.

For some recreational runners the main focus of running is getting up and setting off. Personal bests and records just aren’t the one thing occupying the mind once you hit the asphalt or track. Some days the run is bad and others it’s better. But that’s ok because you ran and you didn’t give up. Even if you race you don’t have to get put out by your time or placing. You just put your heart into it and knowing you did all you could is all you ask of yourself. As long as you don’t get injured not being devastatingly fast is just no loss.

You can be underwhelming, come up short and end up sub par. You can have your world turned upside down, heart ripped to shreds and be under appreciated. However, you need to know that not everything you lose is a loss.