Here I am

©️Hannah Buckman

The thrill and relief at a new beginning

Just like the shock of some new meaning 

Fills you with wholesome expectation

With more than a hint of trepidation. 

Is it true, can it be real?

Did you miss something in all the zeal?

Do you rush in and stumble, 

Or hesitate and fumble?

 

Just as a flower blooming draws in water

Love’s first dawn invites you to the slaughter. 

The prize just over the horizon 

Requires you to charge forward like a bison.

The embrace is so much comfort 

Like a castle, or sight of that long sought fort.

Calories may come and go

But the ring of your laugh gives such a glow. 

You don’t have to be sure or perfect 

Just have faith in cause and effect. 

Be it a fitfully uncomfortable sleep 

Or pottering up hills too steep; 

All it takes is an afternoon kiss 

That’s bliss that just can’t miss. 

The feathery touch to release the valve

The gentle whisper the perfect salve. 

Leap of Faith

 © Sony Pictures Animation Inc 

A leap of faith means believing that you are doing the right thing because you are making the absolute right choice. You move forward without guarantees or certainly of the outcome but you have insight that  you will achieve the aim you are shooting for. Our faith in God and religion is based on a justified true belief that there is a higher authority and Supreme Being that dictates human life. Religious belief often means that people commit to worship on the basis that God is real and right. They build up a faith that their belief in a religion is righteous and redeeming. This faith allows them to rever and worship their God knowing that there is a higher esoteric calling that they are accountable to. 

As individuals we often encounter situations where we have to decide on what decision to make while uncertain about the benefits or detriment involved. We end up trying to weigh up the advantages of taking a course of action against the risks that it might entail. However, the fact that we might not know what outcome will result; be it positive or negative, does not prevent us from deciding on which course of action to take. It’s at that point that we make a leap of faith that we will achieve the outcome desired, or at the very worst we will not suffer excessively should things not turn out as we hope. 

How we make decisions about what direction or actions we take is big part of what goes into setting up our mental health. There are two things that can have a particularly detrimental effect on our state of mind. One is, when being confronted with a choice, how we proceed and whether we go on to take action. The other thing is, how we respond to situations in which we are faced with conflicting options. Not acting positively in either of these situations may lead to significant anxiety and stress induced behaviour. 

Just as with our relationship with God the strongest personal relationships are rooted in faith. Faith in another person’s altruism. We open ourselves up and step into a circle of trust where we expect the best of each other. And even when there are questions we challenge each other to be better and reward our trust. And at times when we have doubts we take everything into consideration and explore the limits of our own faith. Ultimately, that faith instils a feeling of trust in individuals. It is this that goes on to form the bedrock of most relationships. 

Taking a leap of faith means putting aside any sense of doubt and preparing to commit to a course of action that we believe will deliver some anticipated benefits. It also represents a recognition that having given careful consideration to the circumstances that is most suitable option to choose. This is how human beings commit to a long term gain over any perceived short term risks. 

The Value of Valentine’s Day

For many Valentine’s Day is considered a great way to commemorate love. Tell someone you love them. Show someone you love them. A chance to say something and do something romantic. Preferably something big and expensive. Meaningful is optional. A lot of good can be done, and a lot of people get a good feeling out of it. Business certainly makes a lot out of it and makes a good profit on the back of it.

It would be great to imagine that everyone who buys into Valentine’s Day is sincere and full of love rather than driven by cynical self interest like business. Maybe some of them are. As it happens, it can also be an opportunistic assembly line for people trying to impress a beau or cover up their lack of genuine feelings for someone else.

There is an expectation that in order to show how much you care on Valentine’s Day people should spend generously and make big gestures. Clearly Valentine’s Day is the day you check the balance on the love ledger. Whichever party is giving or getting; the important thing is to expect big things. Strangely enough one would have thought that love actually pays for itself everyday, even without grand expensive gestures. Being loved can offer happiness, security and reassurance. Loving someone an be fulfilling, invigorating and joyous. Plenty in there that money can’t substitute for.

Big productions from the heart are as much a delight to the person giving as to the person receiving them. The little things that people do for each other every day also go a long way to holding each other down and making every day special. Being able to reach out to or for that special person when you need to can be the thing that makes a moment special and unforgettable. While something rarely occurring might be considered precious, there are routine deeds that prove invaluable.

A lot of people spend a king’s ransom on Valentine’s Day without giving it any real thought. It’s just something they have to do. And in return many get hardly anything back from it. Not a warm thought, not a little recognition, and too often not even a thank you. For a day that’s meant to commemorate great love it all seems to be about transactions. But I guess it’s down to the individual to choose whether they want a day of big transactions or a lifetime of meaningful and memorable interactions.

Living With

© Yaoyao Ma Van As

Human nature is rooted in relationships and social interaction. Everyone is born to a parent, and that comes with a likelihood of family and relatives. Growing up as a child, and living as an adult place one in social situations, whether by choice or not. A professional life requires the ability to communicate with or to others to some degree. It can be presumed that the more social skills one has the better a life one is likely to live.

Living in a family is often a circumstance one finds oneself in. A person can choose their friends either based on affinity or convenience. Being in a relationship or living with a  spouse or partner is one of the more advanced social interactions. It may not be an essential relationship but it is an extremely important one when it is entered into. The decision to enter into a relationship should signify both an individual’s development of personal depth and serious feelings for a partner. It is an expression of both commitment and sacrifice. A point from which a person makes a choice to consider the needs and wellbeing of another person as equal to their own. In doing so the person makes a promise to include that other person in their life and proactively be a part of that person’s life.

Growing up and becoming independent sometimes means striking out on your own. It might mean living by yourself or sharing paid for accommodation. What it amounts to ultimately is being primarily responsible for yourself alone. In due course, one might enter into a relationship and choose to live fully or partly with a partner. This represents an opportunity to share one’s life and space. It might also be a crutch for someone afraid to be alone. However, there are people who prefer to live on their own, even when in a relationship. This allows them the freedom and space to take time out for themselves. It might also be a symptom of an unwillingness to commit fully to another person. Whatever the rights or wrongs, these are choices we are all entitled to make.

Living on one’s own can be a necessary response to dealing with life and relationship challenges. One has to find a way to make life as manageable as possible. However, living by yourself because you can’t live with another person is not coping: it’s copping out. Learning how to live with another person is an essential part of human socialisation. It isn’t necessarily easy and may not come naturally. But the desire to do it must also be matched by the effort to follow through on it. Living with someone else does mean having to endure and tolerate some of the things that person does. It also means taking responsibility to intervene when there are signs of trouble. Trying to complement each other should mean aiming to bring the best out of each other.

Living with others can be both fulfilling and beneficial to oneself. However, it won’t always be without conflict. The conflict might either help resolve issues or clarify incompatibility. It just depends on how strong a connection people have. Living with another person might be the preferred choice but it isn’t the only option. A person might find themselves living alone and do just fine.

Does it all End in Death?

 © Brandon Godfrey

Death is supposed to represent an ending. And in many ways it actually does. It is the end of a life. The severing of all relationships. The conclusion of all plans and ambitions. Sometimes a life ends too soon and that leaves feelings of hurt, disappointment and loss. There are instances where a life has been long and fulfilling and a death evokes a sense of appreciation and gratitude. Sometimes the circumstances of a death might be tragic or regrettable. Those circumstances play a role in the feelings which are brought forth about the death itself.

For the people left behind a death might mean the ending of a relationship or the start of a new understanding in the relationships of others. So even though there is a death it may actually trigger new perspectives on existing relationships. It is possible it might bring people together and strengthen the bonds between them. Or it may drive a wedge between people and create new estrangements.

I have no clear notion of whether a hereafter exists or what it possibly is like. However, if there is no hereafter then maybe death is a final end for the person who passes away. If one believes in the soul or spirit passing on to judgement, a better place, purgatory or reincarnation then it means death is not the end of life. The idea of life after death does raise some questions though. What would happen if one partner in a happy relationship dies, and the other partner goes on to have future happy relationships? If the surviving partner subsequently dies will they reunite with the first dead partner? If other partners also go to the hereafter how do they decide who ends up with who? Will they have to roll the dice or play cards for the honour? Maybe in the hereafter there are no relationships. A real ‘till death do you part’!

Whatever one feels about a death or dying life doesn’t end with death. Death sometimes reveals new things we never knew before about the dead, or the people around us. It can give us a new insight into ourselves or life in general. The dead can inspire us or unite us. Death might bring sorrow, or even relief but what it doesn’t do is end us. From death we can find a fresh purpose, a clearer vision, a new path, a stronger will to live, and a renewed determination to do better.

Giving Love a Fighting Chance

Relationships and marriages are often expected to aspire to be havens of harmony and compatibility. Some long lasting couples talk with fierce pride of never having had a serious quarrel or serious disagreement in many years together. "Never go to bed angry" is recognised as sound relationship advice all over the world. In some cultures and religions the wife is expected to be docile and meek around the husband. This is meant to engender affection and appreciation in the reputedly dominant male. For many years this has been considered the key to a strong and lasting relationship. It is no surprise that across the world there has been a decline in formal marriages, and an increase in the rates of divorce.

Couples who believe that avoiding conflict is the path to a happy and thriving relationship are sorely mistaken. Truth be told, when you believe in something and want it to last you have to fight for it. In fact, the occasional dust up is one way to clear the cobwebs and knock some sense into some men and women in relationships. When a couple chooses to get married a fight gets underway to stay together and weather life's storms. Once the words, "till death do us part", are uttered, "thems are fighting words"; and a physical, psychological and social struggle to stay together commences.

The idea that a relationship or marriage between two very individual characters must necessarily always be peaceful and amicable assumes that all issues affecting it might have been worked out in advance. In truth, the pooling of opposing views has the potential to greatly improve the reservoir of  knowledge and quality of decision making in the relationship. This will very likely both enhance  understanding and the endurance of respect and affection in the relationship. Agreements reached by listening to each other and looking at the merits of all views are more legitimate than agreement where one party's consensus is assumed and taken for granted.

It is important that couples recognise when conflict is counterproductive and destructive. It is vital they both show compassion and patience towards each other. Trying to compete against, and beat each other while in a relationship only leads to two defeated people. The aim is to push each other hard while still holding each other close to each other's heart. Ultimately true love will choose honesty and tolerance in handling both conflict and agreement.

Psychology of Sex: Teens and Pre-teens

Sex and relationships have been a complicated and complicating feature of human interaction from biblical times through early civilisation into modern days. Relationships have gone from being functional tools for empire building and passing on family legacies to being expressions of personal identity and vehicles for social cohesion. Sex has gone through periods of restriction, subversion, freedom and caution. In present times the Internet has transformed how people pursue both sex and relationships. 

Young people are reaching puberty much earlier in life now. They are also having an increased awareness of and exposure to experiences and issues relating to sex and relationships. There is an increasing rate of marital and relationship break ups which are creating a complexly diverse set of domestic arrangements. There are now more instances of single parent families and family units with more than two parents a part of them. The age of the two parent family is fast receding. 

Young people are being introduced to personal relationships much earlier. This is taking a mental, emotional and physical toll on them. They have access to information about relationships at their disposal with no restrictions or guidance. They are therefore more aware of the issues and also more interested in exploring and testing out the knowledge they have. Many adults have adopted casual attitudes to sex and relationships; while a lot of others have become socially isolated and awkward, increasingly reliant on proxy methods to make connections. They are neither the best role models or particularly admirable trendsetters. 

It would appear that nowadays in the minds of many young people being sexually active is being conflated with sexual and emotional maturity. The reality though seems to be that being down for whatever doesn't quite mean being smart about what one does or it's consequences. Hence the increase in sexually transmitted diseases amongst young people and high levels of teenage pregnancies in some countries. There appears to be a greater need for sex and relationship education in schools and in the home. Current sex and relationship education focuses mostly on biological imperatives and gender awareness. These are important but more attention needs to be paid to self esteem, personal responsibility and life aspirations. These offer an insight into personality traits and conflicts that are likely to influence romantic choices. 

In spite of religious perspectives on chastity and sexuality there is nothing intrinsically wrong with sex between consenting married or unmarried couples. However, having sex cannot be a confirmation of commitment nor is it enough by itself to constitute a lasting relationship. Building a relationship must involve self insight and a sincere shared bond between two people. It requires emotional maturity and at a young age there is a limit to the self awareness and personal insight a person can have. Knowing what to expect and what to believe in a relationship are a function of trial and error; and growth. Being able to take a step back when hormones are raging isn't something the young are renowned for doing. While it is possible for a young person to experience grown up feelings they might not necessarily have the knowledge and experience to understand the various options that might inform decisions that are about to be made. 

It isn't possible to go about ones sex life unnoticed anymore. Whenever one is in a relationship the whole world's eyes are on one. They're all watching and judging. Your parents, family, friends, social media networks, neighbours, school, work colleagues, institutions and even law enforcement are forming impressions based on who you are in a relationship with. It doesn't even have to be a serious relationship. They just need to jump to the conclusion that you're having sex. 

I don't think it is possible to stop teenagers from having sex but there will be opportunities to raise their awareness about the motivations and expectations that they take into sexual relationships. These are the things that will determine how they see relationships in the future. Ultimately self esteem and sexual relationship are intricately intertwined. How we see ourselves and how we are looked at by society can be influenced by the nature of the relationships we have. Achieving healthy relationships is dependent on educating young people about making healthy decisions.