The Value of Valentine’s Day

For many Valentine’s Day is considered a great way to commemorate love. Tell someone you love them. Show someone you love them. A chance to say something and do something romantic. Preferably something big and expensive. Meaningful is optional. A lot of good can be done, and a lot of people get a good feeling out of it. Business certainly makes a lot out of it and makes a good profit on the back of it.

It would be great to imagine that everyone who buys into Valentine’s Day is sincere and full of love rather than driven by cynical self interest like business. Maybe some of them are. As it happens, it can also be an opportunistic assembly line for people trying to impress a beau or cover up their lack of genuine feelings for someone else.

There is an expectation that in order to show how much you care on Valentine’s Day people should spend generously and make big gestures. Clearly Valentine’s Day is the day you check the balance on the love ledger. Whichever party is giving or getting; the important thing is to expect big things. Strangely enough one would have thought that love actually pays for itself everyday, even without grand expensive gestures. Being loved can offer happiness, security and reassurance. Loving someone an be fulfilling, invigorating and joyous. Plenty in there that money can’t substitute for.

Big productions from the heart are as much a delight to the person giving as to the person receiving them. The little things that people do for each other every day also go a long way to holding each other down and making every day special. Being able to reach out to or for that special person when you need to can be the thing that makes a moment special and unforgettable. While something rarely occurring might be considered precious, there are routine deeds that prove invaluable.

A lot of people spend a king’s ransom on Valentine’s Day without giving it any real thought. It’s just something they have to do. And in return many get hardly anything back from it. Not a warm thought, not a little recognition, and too often not even a thank you. For a day that’s meant to commemorate great love it all seems to be about transactions. But I guess it’s down to the individual to choose whether they want a day of big transactions or a lifetime of meaningful and memorable interactions.

Living With

© Yaoyao Ma Van As

Human nature is rooted in relationships and social interaction. Everyone is born to a parent, and that comes with a likelihood of family and relatives. Growing up as a child, and living as an adult place one in social situations, whether by choice or not. A professional life requires the ability to communicate with or to others to some degree. It can be presumed that the more social skills one has the better a life one is likely to live.

Living in a family is often a circumstance one finds oneself in. A person can choose their friends either based on affinity or convenience. Being in a relationship or living with a  spouse or partner is one of the more advanced social interactions. It may not be an essential relationship but it is an extremely important one when it is entered into. The decision to enter into a relationship should signify both an individual’s development of personal depth and serious feelings for a partner. It is an expression of both commitment and sacrifice. A point from which a person makes a choice to consider the needs and wellbeing of another person as equal to their own. In doing so the person makes a promise to include that other person in their life and proactively be a part of that person’s life.

Growing up and becoming independent sometimes means striking out on your own. It might mean living by yourself or sharing paid for accommodation. What it amounts to ultimately is being primarily responsible for yourself alone. In due course, one might enter into a relationship and choose to live fully or partly with a partner. This represents an opportunity to share one’s life and space. It might also be a crutch for someone afraid to be alone. However, there are people who prefer to live on their own, even when in a relationship. This allows them the freedom and space to take time out for themselves. It might also be a symptom of an unwillingness to commit fully to another person. Whatever the rights or wrongs, these are choices we are all entitled to make.

Living on one’s own can be a necessary response to dealing with life and relationship challenges. One has to find a way to make life as manageable as possible. However, living by yourself because you can’t live with another person is not coping: it’s copping out. Learning how to live with another person is an essential part of human socialisation. It isn’t necessarily easy and may not come naturally. But the desire to do it must also be matched by the effort to follow through on it. Living with someone else does mean having to endure and tolerate some of the things that person does. It also means taking responsibility to intervene when there are signs of trouble. Trying to complement each other should mean aiming to bring the best out of each other.

Living with others can be both fulfilling and beneficial to oneself. However, it won’t always be without conflict. The conflict might either help resolve issues or clarify incompatibility. It just depends on how strong a connection people have. Living with another person might be the preferred choice but it isn’t the only option. A person might find themselves living alone and do just fine.

No Loss

When I was young my parents and elders would pacify us with sayings and aphorisms advocating delayed gratification. Gems such as; “not everything you like is good for you”, “you can’t always get what you want” and “your time will come”. As it turned out everything I liked actually did do me some good. I never actually got anything I wanted. And; as for my time coming, I’m still waiting. However, it is a fact that not getting something your heart was set on may be painful but doesn’t always amount to a loss in the greater scheme of things.

In 2016 I could not imagine the prospect of Trump becoming president of the USA. He was clearly a moronic megalomaniac. As it turned out millions of Americans disagreed with me. Proving the points  that you can’t always get what you want, and your time will come in one crushing blow. However, as much as I despised Trump I was very uneasy about the prospect of a Hilary Clinton presidency. Her losing, strangely enough, allowed me to make peace with Trump winning. In the UK I despaired at the thought of Boris Johnson remaining prime minister but couldn’t imagine any good coming of Jeremy Corbyn  being in charge, of anything. I didn’t expect Labour to lose so heavily but I did not shed any tears. In Nigeria, anyone with a memory or capable of reading knew that Buhari lacked vision and strength to turn the the country around but Jonathan Goodluck had facilitated such a corrupt cesspit that Nigerians preferred to jump off a cliff rather than re-elect him. As it turns out the bottom of that cliff is proving quite the rocky hell but good riddance to Goodluck.

At some point, all of us will experience or have experienced heartbreak in a relationship. Whether it is a rite passage or one of life’s necessary evils is of little consequence. Heartbreak comes to all people either by commission or omission. Some relationships go wrong because of a mess up, a refusal or inability to see things clearly, a bad fit; you name it. What is sure is that when it ends one or both parties may feel some measure of heartbreak. Whether it is justified or not the head and the heart will feel some separation anxiety. However there are times when in spite of this anxiety the spirit feels freed. Shattered and broken-hearted the spirit knows when it has taken a mauling even while the head is smiling widely and the heart is yelling c’mon! So even while a person is weeping uncontrollably and hurting like whiplash the spirit is skipping into the sunset sighing, “no loss!”.

For some recreational runners the main focus of running is getting up and setting off. Personal bests and records just aren’t the one thing occupying the mind once you hit the asphalt or track. Some days the run is bad and others it’s better. But that’s ok because you ran and you didn’t give up. Even if you race you don’t have to get put out by your time or placing. You just put your heart into it and knowing you did all you could is all you ask of yourself. As long as you don’t get injured not being devastatingly fast is just no loss.

You can be underwhelming, come up short and end up sub par. You can have your world turned upside down, heart ripped to shreds and be under appreciated. However, you need to know that not everything you lose is a loss.

Birthing Brilliance

Emerging into the world with force
Did you push or did they pull?
Did you neigh like a horse
Or kick like a mule?
There’s a wiggle and a rattle
Thus life’s journey starts
And it’s going to be a battle
Even as the curtain parts.

You’ll stretch with a smile
As you slowly rise.
You’ll imagine the mile
Flashing by your eyes.
The path ahead is straight
And the body is full of potential.
Still there is a trait
Of the strength to enthral

The person you are
Is but a hint of your passage so far,
The person you will be
Is the superhuman fighting to break free.
You will be feared by apex predators
Because you are truly a blessed creature.

Does it all End in Death?

 © Brandon Godfrey

Death is supposed to represent an ending. And in many ways it actually does. It is the end of a life. The severing of all relationships. The conclusion of all plans and ambitions. Sometimes a life ends too soon and that leaves feelings of hurt, disappointment and loss. There are instances where a life has been long and fulfilling and a death evokes a sense of appreciation and gratitude. Sometimes the circumstances of a death might be tragic or regrettable. Those circumstances play a role in the feelings which are brought forth about the death itself.

For the people left behind a death might mean the ending of a relationship or the start of a new understanding in the relationships of others. So even though there is a death it may actually trigger new perspectives on existing relationships. It is possible it might bring people together and strengthen the bonds between them. Or it may drive a wedge between people and create new estrangements.

I have no clear notion of whether a hereafter exists or what it possibly is like. However, if there is no hereafter then maybe death is a final end for the person who passes away. If one believes in the soul or spirit passing on to judgement, a better place, purgatory or reincarnation then it means death is not the end of life. The idea of life after death does raise some questions though. What would happen if one partner in a happy relationship dies, and the other partner goes on to have future happy relationships? If the surviving partner subsequently dies will they reunite with the first dead partner? If other partners also go to the hereafter how do they decide who ends up with who? Will they have to roll the dice or play cards for the honour? Maybe in the hereafter there are no relationships. A real ‘till death do you part’!

Whatever one feels about a death or dying life doesn’t end with death. Death sometimes reveals new things we never knew before about the dead, or the people around us. It can give us a new insight into ourselves or life in general. The dead can inspire us or unite us. Death might bring sorrow, or even relief but what it doesn’t do is end us. From death we can find a fresh purpose, a clearer vision, a new path, a stronger will to live, and a renewed determination to do better.

BREXIT Black & Blue

The current mess that is Brexit has proven clearly that politicians are mostly inclined to pursue their self and partisan interests ahead of the greater good. As a Black citizen of the United Kingdom life after Brexit is threatening to be both frightening and frustrating. The government is full of fools and frauds with very little moral standing. The opposition is full of dogmatic ideologues and short sighted political plodders. Brexit presents a range of social and economic problems for all people on the British isles, however there are likely to be a number of issues specific to Black and Minority Ethnic people. There has been an alarming rise in right wing nationalism and general xenophobia across Europe in recent times. This does not bode well for conditions that await Black people in the new order of things.

Travel around Europe will potentially become increasingly fraught for Black British citizens. Not only will they have to go through tough visa application processes but they are likely to be subjected to further scrutiny at point of entry. It isn’t a certainty that there will be prejudice in the process post Brexit but the current experience of Black non EU migrants and visitors suggests there is scope for discrimination.

Access to support or services while abroad will be variable. Since there won’t be a guarantee of entitlement officials’ prejudices will play a role in how Black people are treated in the event of an emergency or crisis.

An important contribution to quality of life for Black people living abroad is having family, relatives and friends visit them. Similarly being able to travel freely to visit loved ones is important. Maintaining those intimate connections with people living in the EU will become much harder. The likelihood is that

It is traditionally difficult for relatives outside the EU to get visas to visit the UK, and now it is going to be harder for relatives in the UK to get visas too. Ultimately this will affect a range of situations from family interaction to spouses being able to join their partners.

Almost all of Europe is likely to suffer adversely from Brexit but there is the potential that a heightened level of discrimination towards Black people might be one of the unintended consequences. This is something that the EU and UK should put formal processes in place to monitor and tackle as necessary.

The Irresistible Pull of Lying

Lying is one of the fundamental flaws in human nature. It reflects a person’s inability to distinguish between being good and being safe. The root cause of a lie is never primarily dishonesty; it’s essentially a need to protect the individual mentally, emotionally or physically. It is possible that from childhood some people learn to adopt it as a defence to fear and anxiety. It is also possible that some people develop characteristics that compel them to be fluid with the truth.

All of history and religion is founded on a lie of some sort. It’s commonly referred to as myth and legend but it’s really just a set of lies. The various creation stories and the legendary tales of intrigue and derring do serve a purpose but are mostly fantasies. And very often these are the things which become cultural idioms.

Adults routinely lie to children in order to protect them from what might be considered emotionally disturbing truths; or sometimes to spare themselves having to explain things they do not fully comprehend themselves. Sometimes these lies persist and become a pattern in the relationship between adults and young people. The adult might be convinced of the well intentioned nature of the lie but often resorts to untruth to serve their own ends.

Human relationships are mostly bonded by a process of teasing out the truth. After first meeting in person people tend to ask around about their new acquaintances to confirm or check out what they’ve seen or heard. When an initial online connection is made people will trawl social network or internet presence to verify what they think they know. Find out if it’s an actual person, a catfish, a true likeness, an interesting character or some racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, homophobic, sociopathic internet troll.

Politicians now appear to consider lying a professional tool of the trade. Misrepresentations and false denials seem to be something they dispense freely in the event of a crisis. They seem to consider the lie to be a more than adequate recourse until they happen to be found out or caught in the lie. They take it for granted that if caught in a lie then an apology is adequate contrition.

The lie of omission is something a lot of people like to imagine isn’t a lie in real terms. However, it is an act of deceit in which an untruth or lie is left unchallenged. The purpose and the effect of it are often harmful and hurtful to parties involved.

One has to recognise a distinction between lying and imagining. Creating fiction represents an attempt to portray or reflect real life or a life as imagined. Lying seeks to distort and misrepresent reality. While fiction is capable of having a negative influence it doesn’t attempt to pass itself off as fact.

There will always be some question about whether there is any justification for lying, even if it is considered for a greater good. People are naturally inclined to stretch the truth when put under pressure, or sense an advantage from it. The moral imperative is for people to be mostly honest. I think that is the least anyone should expect but it maybe all one can hope for.